The other day my kids discovered this massive spider sitting outside on a cooler we had used the day before. It was huge. It had a giant body and thick, hairy legs. It was so big I thought it was fake at first.
I am not a fan of big, hairy, scary spiders, so I promptly walked away and chose not to think about it. It wasn’t in my house, I wouldn’t need to use the cooler soon. Ignoring it seemed to be a wise and logical choice.
My first-born had an entirely different response. He was not a fan of the spider either, but ignoring it seemed straight up foolish to him. He immediately moved into obsession mode. He had to keep checking on it to make sure it hadn’t moved. He couldn’t stop talking about it. He claimed he could see it even when he closed his eyes.
I responded with denial. Travis responded with obsession.
I’ve noticed that people tend to be wired for one or the other; denial or obsession. Most of us have a go-to mode that we slip into when confronted with a scary or troubling scenario.
Despite the spider incident, my go-to is usually obsession. I can work and worry any thought to death and back to life again. I am an expert at laying awake in bed playing out imaginary scenarios and conversations. I can make a mountain out of any molehill.
My husband, on the other hand, is a denial person. He can block out and ignore anything. He can fall asleep in the middle of any storm, conflict, or situation. He can turn any mountain into a molehill.
Part of being a healthy, whole human being is knowing who you are and how you operate. It is helpful to know what your typical patterns are, so you can decide if you want to continue them or try and change them.
I’m not sure we can ever change our default settings, but I know without a doubt that we can move toward more balance and health. My first reaction may always be to obsess, to maximize, to over react. But, since I know that about myself, I know to be on the lookout. I know that my emotional reaction doesn’t always match the magnitude of the situation. I can choose to step away from my emotional reaction and decide what kind of response fits best. I can run it by trusted friends and family.
My husband knows that his first reaction to is to ignore, deny, and disengage. He works hard to pay attention, to listen to other people’s reactions, and to get feedback.
We know ourselves, and we try to be mindful of our responses.
Here’s the other piece: we need each other. My energy and attention and emotionality are a gift to my family. My husband’s peace, steadiness, and calm are a gift to our family. We balance well.
Whether it’s between siblings, coworkers, spouses, or friends, we need the energy and response modes that each person brings. If we each take ownership of moving ourselves toward health and balance, we can value and appreciate the different response modes that we all bring.
We don’t need the extremes of denial and obsession, but we all have a default mode that we slip into sometimes. Knowing our go-to response can help us figure out how to be wise and intentional. Understanding that there is value in the different response modes can help us appreciate each other and love each other well.