My husband and I recently went away for a long weekend. It was glorious. I drank my coffee while it was hot each morning, didn’t cook or clean a thing, and slept through the night every night. We had lots of fun, but the best part was the opportunity to connect and have conversations without interruptions or distractions.
We were talking about a tricky topic in parenting, and Jim said, “I think we are doing really well with that. I like the way we are handling it.” I agreed and the conversation moved on.
I was thinking about it later, and I realized how good that felt. It feels like so many of our conversations about parenting are problem-solving, processing difficult things, or sharing concerns. We frequently talk about how funny or delightful our kids are, but when we talk about our role in parenting, it’s often from more of a challenge perspective.
It felt really good to stop and acknowledge that we were handling something well, that we felt good about how we were navigating that particular area.
So many of us are so hard on ourselves. I love a good growth mindset, but many of us cross over into criticism and shaming. And even when we challenge ourselves in healthy ways, we often do so without pausing to honor our growth, progress, or success.
It’s wonderful to recognize where we need to grow, modify, and change. But when we exclusively focus on what we need to improve, we deprive ourselves of the encouragement that we need to stay the course. We open ourselves up to more discouragement and fatigue. We can even lose some of our joy for that arena of life.
I hear this tendency when people talk about parenting, but also in the way they talk about their mental, physical, and relational health. People frequently diminish their progress and accomplishments or dismiss their strengths. I think there is a fear that if we attend to what we are doing well, if we celebrate the progress that we have made, we will grow complacent or lose our motivation to keep improving.
I believe that when we feel encouraged, we feel energized to keep moving toward our goals. I believe that progress and success are worth celebrating and honoring.
My son just finished his first season of baseball. He was on of the youngest on his team, and the only player who had never played before. It is amazing to see how much he grew and improved throughout the season. Last night, I spent the ride home affirming over and over how proud I am of how hard he worked and how much he grew.
I didn’t feel any temptation to tell him he still needs to improve the accuracy of his throws, or work on hitting the ball more. He will keep practicing and improving; what he needed last night was for me to affirm and celebrate where he is.
It seems like it’s often much easier to extend that celebration to others, to give other people gold stars. It feels kind of weird and arrogant to stop and give a gold star to myself.
But we are wired to thrive with validation. And there is something exceptionally powerful about pausing and offering that validation to ourselves.
I challenge you to take a minute now to offer yourself a gold star. What are you doing well in this season of life? What aspects of relationships do you feel like you are navigating well? Where have you grown? Take a few minutes to identify some things you are doing well, and then tell someone else. Give yourself the gold star.