I have this vivid memory of standing outside the church one hot July morning. I was pacing with a screaming newborn, hoping that the congregation couldn’t hear her cries above the music. A sweet older woman walked past and smiled. “Enjoy every minute of it,” she said as she went inside.
Thankfully she was through the doors before I had a chance to respond, because I’m not sure I could have mustered up anything church-appropriate.
I wondered how someone could look at that moment and tell me to enjoy it. Did she not hear my daughter’s piercing screams, did she not see the way I was sweating and stressed and clearly exhausted?
I was not enjoying the moment.
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Not long ago, I was chatting with someone I don’t know well, and I told her how old my kids are. “Oh, those are perfect ages! You guys will have the best summer ever.”
I immediately felt flooded with the idea that this could be a perfect summer, that my kids and I could capture and enjoy every minute, that this could be sealed in their memories as one perfect summer.
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I’ve seen this meme floating around on social media, alerting parents that they have 18 summers with their children, so they need to be sure to savor and treasure every single moment.
I love my children, more than I can even begin to articulate. I enjoy them. I also love my husband, my parents and siblings, my friends, and my work. But do I enjoy every single minute that I engage in any of these relationships or activities?
No, I do not.
Sometimes I feel frustrated, angry, anxious, or sad. Sometimes these relationships that bring me so much joy are also a source of pain and discomfort. Sometimes these feelings are triggered by big, scary issues, but sometimes these feelings are triggered by the little things, the lost shoe, the 758th request for a snack, or the crayon ground into the carpet.
There are so many precious moments. I do want to treasure and soak up the snuggles, the giggles, the dimples in little hands, the bedtime stories and songs. I want to always remember to be grateful for the work I’ve been given, for the lives I get to be a part of.
But does anyone really enjoy a toddler’s tantrum? Are 4:30 wakeup calls a thing of delight? What about potty training. Does anybody really take joy in the process of potty training? So many moments in parenting are wonderful, but does anybody really enjoy whining, bickering, or discipline? Is any job so ideal that people treasure every minute of it, no matter how important and meaningful it may feel?
When we create pressure to seize every moment and enjoy every second, we create unrealistic expectations. Parenting (and work and relationships) are like everything else in life. Beautiful and hard, wonderful and brutal, exquisite and mundane.
When we try and take away the difficulty and complexity, we flatten some of what makes these experiences and relationships so powerful. We create unrealistic and unhealthy emotional expectations of ourselves and others.
I know that perspective changes with time and distance, but I am already preparing myself for the time when my kids are grown and out of the house. I hope that when I see moms with young children, I am prepared to comment on what a great job they are doing, how precious their kids are, or how much I loved certain parts of that season of life.
In general, let’s work on leaving space for the hard and the good, the beautiful and the painful. Let’s practice gratitude and presence and savoring all of the wonderful things life has to offer. At the same time, let’s allow space for the harder, more challenging emotions. Let’s expect hard and difficult times right alongside the good and the easy.