One day last spring we were sitting at our dining room table eating breakfast. My middle daughter looked up at me and proclaimed, “My stomach doesn’t hurt.”
I told her I was glad to hear it and asked if it had hurt earlier.
“Nope. It doesn’t hurt at all. It didn’t hurt when I woke up, and it feels totally normal now.”
Okay, good to know.
Thirty seconds later, she was throwing up everywhere.
This particular child refuses to admit she is sick. She is incredibly active and doesn’t want to miss a thing. She refuses to let anything slow her down. She is tough to a fault. We’ve learned that the stronger she denies a symptom, the more likely it is that she is experiencing it.
In some ways I can identify with her, and I bet a lot of us can. We tell ourselves things like, “It’s not a big deal,” “suck it up,” “tough it out,” or “let it go.” I’m not just talking about sickness or physical symptoms; we do it with our emotions as well. We minimize and dismiss and even shame ourselves for having a negative reaction at all.
Our culture values being tough and controlled, having perfect attendance, and pushing past limitations. We applaud those who are strong and tough and unflappable, who don’t need much sleep or rest, and who can produce and perform. And, we often shame or scorn people we perceive as weak or needy.
We affirm denial of our needs, both physical and emotional.
If it worked, I might be able to get on board with this mindset. If we really could push past, suck it up, let it go…well, then it would be a great strategy.
But it’s not. Human beings are terrible containers. We leak everywhere. Like someone saying that they aren’t sick and then vomiting all over the house. It may be a direct leak, or it may be sneakier. You say that a conflict or a slight doesn’t bother you, that you aren’t that sensitive, and that you “let it go.” And then you proceed to be extra snippy with your kids, to scream at the driver who cut you off, and to drink just a little too much on the weekend.
When we deny the truth of our feelings, they end up spilling out everywhere. It’s an inevitable truth of the universe. What we suppress and deny will always find a way to express itself.
Sometimes we are very conscious in our denial. We know that something bothers us, that we feel hurt or angry or offended, and we consciously choose to run away from that emotion, to numb it or block it out. We know our stomachs hurt, but we choose not to acknowledge the discomfort.
Other times, we get so used to denial that we are completely out of touch with our physical or emotional needs. We may be able to tell that we are leaking, that something must be going on with us, but we are so used to the denial that we have no idea what the something is.
Here’s what denial needs: attention and truth. We need to learn to pay attention to our physical and emotional selves. At least twice a day, maybe when you’re brushing your teeth, check in with yourself. Listen to your body and listen to your heart. What do you feel? Try and identify at least three emotions and any places of physical pain or discomfort. Be honest about what you feel, and then decide what you want to do with those feelings.
If you have chronic pain, it might just be a simple acknowledgment. “I see you. I know you’re there.” If you are sad or scared or angry, you might need to do something to care for those feelings. Maybe you need a glass of water or an early bedtime, or a good talk with a friend.
Pay attention to what you are feeling and what you need, then speak the truth. Speak the truth to yourself and to people you love and feel safe with.
Once my daughter admitted that her stomach hurt, when it was no longer possible to ignore it or pretend it didn’t, she was able to let us care for her. We could give her extra snuggles, soft blankets, a bath, and extra attention and love. When we walk out of our denial, we can receive all the goodness and nurturing the world has to offer.