The other night at dinner we were talking about the woes of potty training, and my sister commented that my niece was incredibly easy to potty train.
“Was I easy?” my daughter asked.
I had to laugh.
“You have always been delightful. And you’ve never been easy.”
It’s so very true. For me, she is pure magic. She is full of life and energy and so incredibly easy to love. She’s bright and funny and creative and truly sees people in a way that always amazes me. She is delightful.
And parenting her has never been easy. Not in sleep, food, potty training, transitions, separation, clothing. She experiences and engages the world so intensely, and parenting her is never easy, but always such a gift.
I wouldn’t trade an ounce of who she is for “easy.”
Later that night I was thinking about our conversation, and how glad I am that she is who she is, how I wouldn’t want her to be easy at the expense of who she was created to be.
I must pause for a moment of complete transparency. Sometimes I long for easy. I long for flexibility and compliance, the absence of conflict, and a little more peace and quiet. But I’m not sure you can have those things all the time in any human, let alone one who is full of energy, passion, tenacity, creativity, humor, and more energy. And as lovely as that dream of easy is, I wouldn’t pick that over the color and life that my daughter possesses.
I’ve been guilty of wishing I was easier too. I’ve wished I didn’t have such intense emotions, such strong opinions, or such a sensitive heart. I would love for people to think that being in relationship with me was straightforward and effortless. I don’t want to be difficult, or to be a lot of work for the people that love me.
But then I think of all the things that I love that do take a lot of work. Homegrown tomatoes, the perfectly crafted novel, a sparklingly clean room, my husband’s homemade macaroni and cheese. I love adventuring with my family, traveling together, having people at my house, and hosting dinners and parties. I love all these things, but none of them happen without intentional effort.
So many of the best things in life take time and effort and work. People and relationships are no exception. The most special and valuable relationships in my life have taken hours of investment, deep conversations, working through conflict. Of course there has also been laughter and fun and ease, but those happen alongside effort, work, and intentionality.
If I can recognize that so many of the good things in life are not easy or effortless, why can’t I give myself permission to be intense or complex or downright difficult sometimes? Why can’t I give myself permission to show up authentically in relationships, even when the truth about how I think or feel may be messy or hard or require something of someone else?
I can.
There is a place for easy and simple, but I don’t need my family and friends and relationships to fall in that category. I’m realizing the beauty of food and art and produce that took time and effort to create. If that’s true for those things, it’s exponentially more true for the people I love.
You have permission to have thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. These don’t need to be pretty, well-packaged, or straightforward. I want the truth of who you are.
Let’s make space for the complex, the intense, the challenging. And let’s see the delightful magic that can grow out of the intentional effort.