Friday morning I was sitting at my dining room table fighting back tears. I felt emotionally and physically exhausted and overwhelmed by the noise and chaos of my house and my looming to do list. Nothing about the way the day had started felt like what I wanted or needed, and I wished I could just go back to bed.
I was texting with a wise friend, who knows me and my heart well. I was totally honest about how I was feeling, and she responded, “I am so sorry friend. I love you and care. You will feel better soon and it won’t always feel like this.”
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I needed to hear that someone saw me and cared about my feelings. I needed to be reminded that now is not forever, that the feelings that flooded me at that moment were not feelings that I would hold present for the rest of my days.
I’m a strong feeler, and my emotions can come on strong and fast. I know I am not alone in that. And when we are flooded with strong emotion, it can feel like being thrown into a dark room without a speck of light. Part of what feels so intense is the darkness itself, and part of it can be the fear that we will be stuck there.
Even when the feelings aren’t totally overwhelming, there’s always the threat that they will linger, that we will hold that emotional space forever.
And the reality is that some emotions do last a long time. Sometimes we carry feelings with us through days, weeks, months, and even years.
But I know that no emotion lasts in full intensity forever. Emotions come in waves, flooding and then subsiding, changing form and intensity. When we are flooded with strong emotion, we need to let ourselves feel it and experience it, but we also need to know that it won’t last forever.
When we feel something very intensely, we often need exactly what my friend offered me. We need to know that we are seen and cared about. We need validation that they way we are feeling makes sense. And we need a reminder of hope; that things will not always feel the way we feel right at that moment.
The next time you feel a strong emotion that you aren’t sure what to do with, pause for a moment. See the emotion. Identify it. Name it. Ask it what it needs. Sometimes there will be a very clear answer. If you’re feeling sad, you may need comfort. You can find that comfort by asking for a hug, giving yourself some space to cry, talking to a friend, or saying a prayer.
Other times, it is unclear what to do to care for the emotion you are facing. That is when we reach out and share our feeling with someone. Allow someone else to see you and your emotion, to validate it, and to remind you of hope.
We don’t always know what to say when a friend reaches out to us in distress. When you don’t know what to say, go back to the basics of care and validation. Let your friend know you see her pain and you care about her. If it feels appropriate, offer hope.
After talking with my friend on Friday, I gave myself a few minutes to cry. I got up from the table, reheated my coffee, turned on some music, and started the day. I didn’t feel all better, and everything wasn’t automatically fixed and taken care of. But I did feel seen and known and cared for. And I did know that I would be ok.