The other day we had company coming over. It’s winter in Chicago, so of course, there’s weather. It was cold and damp and our driveway was a little slushy.
As my company came in the door, taking off boots and shedding coats, I found myself apologizing. “I’m sorry the weather is so gross. Here, let me take your coat.”
Even as I was saying them, the words felt silly coming out of my mouth.
I’m sorry the weather is gross?! As if I had a say in the manner and intentionally chose slushy and gray. As if I could’ve done something to make it different and had simply neglected to do so.
I’ve realized that I apologize a lot. I’m not talking about the apologies I make after I’ve done something wrong and am trying to repair a relationship. I’m talking about apologies I make for things that are outside of my control, apologies I make for being a human being who moves and breathes and takes up space.
Once I started really paying attention, I realized a lot of us are apologizing a lot. We are saying sorry for how we look, how messy our house is, that our children are acting like children. We are sorry that we are in the way, sorry that we want a refill of water at a restaurant, sorry to “bother” an employee at a store. We are sorry we didn’t get back to someone sooner, sorry for asking a question, sorry for being emotional.
In some ways, saying we are sorry just seems like the polite thing to do, even if we don’t actually think we are responsible for the thing we are apologizing for. But I think it can be a lot more insidious than that.
When we apologize for things we don’t need to apologize for, we are giving voice to our harsh inner critic. When I apologize for my house being messy, I am sharing that the current state of my house doesn’t meet my own expectations for myself. This invites the guest to look at the house with a critical eye; it also suggests that when I enter their home, I may be using that very same critical eye. We tend to judge ourselves and others by the same standard.
Second, when we apologize for things related to our basic humanity, we unintentionally chip away at our confidence and feed our insecurity. When you apologize to the librarian for bothering her, you are basically saying it’s an intrusion to ask her a question, even though that is exactly why she is there and what you are supposed to do when you need assistance at the library. When someone bumps into you and you apologize for being in the way, you are basically apologizing for taking up space. When the apologize for having an opinion, an emotion, or a question, you are apologizing for being a human being. This unintentionally feeds any insecurity and lack of confidence that may exist.
There are plenty of ways to be polite and respectful to the world around us without all the unnecessary apologies. We can say “excuse me.” We can use “please” and “thank you.” We can make friendly eye contact, speak in a kind voice, and smile. We do not need to apologize for our appearance, for the fact that our house looks like people live in it, for having a question or an opinion. We certainly don’t need to apologize for things far outside of our control, like the weather or traffic.
Next time we have company when there’s bad weather, I am going to try to comment on the weather instead of apologize for it. “Goodness, it’s slushy out there, isn’t it? Come on in.”