Whenever we read a book or watch a movie together, my kids have one question. Actually, they have thousands upon thousands of questions, and its amazing that anything ever gets read or watched. But the most repeated question is always, “Is that a good guy or a bad guy?”
They really want to know who the Good Guy is and who the Bad Guy is. It seems clear to them that every character must fall into one category or the other.
My oldest is 8, and we are reading Harry Potter together. He keeps wanting to know if characters are Good Guys or Bad Guys, and we are trying to talk through the idea that it’s not always that simple. Sometimes a character seems good but ends up being the villain. Other times, someone officially designated The Bad Guy turns around and saves the day. Most often, they’re just characters, who sometimes make poor choices and sometimes make good choices.
Recently, I have found myself returning to this childhood question. In the last years, and specifically the last months, we have seen politicians and authors and pastors and artists called out for incredibly despicable behavior. There are people whose work and activism I deeply admire who are being accused and found guilty of horrifying behavior.
I have found myself asking what that means for the work these people have done. At what level of behavior do I decide that someone’s actions invalidate the good that they have done? For example, if I love an actor’s work and then find out that he has sexually assaulted someone, does that mean that I shouldn’t enjoy his movies anymore? If an author whom I love to quote says something deeply offensive, should I stop quoting her entirely?
At the core, I’m looking to understand if these are Good Guys or Bad Guys. I want it to be that simple. This is a Good Guy. You can trust what they say and do and you can embrace their work. Or, this is a Bad Guy. Their behavior tarnishes all they have done, and you can no longer support them or their work in any way shape or form.
I know it’s not usually that simple, I really do. But sorting through all of this makes me profoundly uncomfortable, and I want a simple solution.
One of the main sources of my discomfort is that what I know about projection tells me that this question is really about me. Am I a Good Guy or a Bad Guy? Do my bad moments and bad decisions invalidate the good that I am trying to do?
If I yell at my kids, does that make me a Bad Mom? How many times do I have to yell at my kids before I am a Bad Mom? If I have a bad session, does that make me bad at my job? How many bad choices or mistakes am I allowed before I cross into Bad Guy Territory?
I am so glad that we are in a season of public reckoning and accountability. It is long past due. And we would be missing something important if we used this reckoning as a public declaration of Bad Guys and missed the parts that are about us.
The current conversations provide an opportunity for each of us to look at ourselves as well. To acknowledge and recognize that we all have a dark side. We have all hurt people and chosen our desires over the good of others. We have all made mistakes and we have all consciously made bad decisions. None of us is completely off the hook. It’s almost never as simple of a question as “Is that a Good Guy or a Bad Guy?”
I want to hold people accountable and I want to be a person of grace. I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water and I want to demand change. How do I hold all of these things?
Sometimes horrible people do some really amazing things. And sometimes wonderful people do some horrible things. I am glad I am not the one who must decide who is who.
I need to start with myself. I am trying to recognize the light and dark within myself, the good choices and the bad choices, the complexities. I am not just a Good Guy or just a Bad Guy. I am a little bit of both.
I can work to acknowledge and hold space for complexity. I can work hard to be accountable for my own dark side and I can do the work in front of me to be the healthiest, most fully alive human being I can be. I can talk through these things with wise, caring people whom I trust.
I can practice Both/And thinking, choose to think about things that feel complicated and uncomfortable, and take responsibility for my part. And, on occasion, I can enjoy a kids’ movie where there really is a Good Guy and a Bad Guy, and it is as simple as that.