The other day my sister was trying to decide what she should wear for her family pictures. She texted me and our sister-in-law pictures of both options, a green dress and a blue dress, and asked us which one we thought she should wear. My sister is gorgeous and looks stunning in everything she wears. Both options were beautiful. We told her we loved both, but we both voted for the green dress.
She chose the blue dress.
Isn’t it surprising how often that happens? Someone asks for our input or opinion, and then doesn’t take our advice.
I’ve been on both sides of the equation, where someone asks for my input and then seems to disregard it, and where I ask for an opinion and then do not follow the advice I am given.
It can feel like a slight when someone doesn’t take our advice, and it can be hard not to take it personally. It’s easy to assume that the other person doesn’t value our opinion, that they think we are wrong, or they just don’t take us seriously. I’ve heard people conclude that they just don’t have good advice or opinions to offer.
Truthfully, whether someone agrees with our opinion or not is rarely about us. It’s about the person asking and the framework that they are using to make their decision.
Most of the time when people ask for an opinion, they don’t consciously know what they want. My sister honestly didn’t know if she wanted to wear the green dress or the blue dress. But once the question is asked and the opinion is given, it can provide a lot of clarity. If the opinion resonates with what the person wanted in the first place, it clarifies and confirms what they want. If the opinion doesn’t feel like it fits right, it can clarify the opposite position.
We need to remember that when people ask us for input, they are inviting us into their decision-making process. We become a help or support in the process of determining what decision they want to make. We can be helpful in this process even if they don’t take the advice we offer. Our job is to be a support and sounding board, not to take responsibility for the outcome of the decision that they make.
It helps me to remember that I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Other people are responsible for their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When someone asks for an opinion, I can offer it without taking any responsibility for the outcome.
I can have a good and valid opinion and it can be different from someone else’s good and valid opinion.
Try hard not to take it personally when someone asks for your input and then doesn’t take it. Alternately, don’t feel obligated to take someone’s opinion just because you asked for it. It can be extremely helpful to ask for an opinion and then see your reaction to it, to try it on for size. If it doesn’t fit, you can choose something else.
My sister recently texted us some proofs from their photo session, and she looked beautiful in the blue dress. I am grateful for the opportunity to be a part of her decision making process.