A few nights ago I woke up around 2 in the morning and could not fall back to sleep. I felt restless and unsettled and my thoughts were racing. Around 4:30 I decided to just get up for the day.
I went downstairs and was getting myself a cup of coffee, and my tired 4:30 am-hands dropped the half-and-half and spilled it all over the fridge and onto the kitchen floor.
My first thought was, “Are you kidding me? Another mess to deal with?”
And right there was the crux of why I couldn’t sleep.
Life feels abundantly messy right now. The polarization of the pandemic is shocking. The hate and vitriol surrounding so many discussions about what is going on take my breath away. So many messages seem to boil down to “If you don’t see it the way that I do, you must be stupid or evil.”
There’s the mess at a global and national level, and I feel it deep in my bones. But then there’s the mess that’s coming right to my doorstep. The hard and complicated conversations about how my friends and family and community are making sense of the news. The murky choices about how to approach everything from grocery shopping to walks in the forest preserve to engaging relationships. Who do we see? When and where and with what precautions in place? How do we plan for the summer? It feels like recommendations change and shift constantly. What is the line between living in fear and living with wisdom and loving caution?
I have no concrete answers. I’ve changed my opinion several times on many issues. I’m trying to follow facts and science, but I recognize that all data is interpreted, so even that is not a simple process.
These messes are the kinds of things that wake us up in the middle of the night and lead to spilling half-and-half all over the floor. They are complex enough in our own brains, and they get even more complicated and messy when we bring them to our relationships.
It’s not fun to talk about. It’s hard and awkward and messy and complicated. There are strong feelings everywhere.
Most of us feel angry and sad and scared and uncertain about everything that is going on. And when we bring that energy to a difficult conversation, things get really tricky.
But these hard and messy and sometimes painful conversations are the ones we need to be having with our communities. We need to be listening, really listening to each other. We need to approach the conversations with love and we need to extend grace. Most people are not out to harm anyone. I truly believe that most people are doing the best that they can and want what is best for their families and communities.
Approach messy conversations with as much openness and curiosity as possible. None of us have lived through a pandemic before, and so much of this is brand new. We all have a lot to learn. Assume that people are coming from a well-intentioned place. Listen with the expectation that you might learn or understand something new from your conversation.
When it comes to decision making, recognize that these conversations are going to have to happen over and over again. As we get new information and new data comes forward, our opinions may change. That’s ok. It’s not a failure of science, it’s the process of science. Keep having the messy conversations.
Approach all of these conversations with love, acceptance, and openness. Avoid approaching with fear, cynicism, or accusation.
We can see things very differently and still love and value each other. We can respect each other even when we disagree. We can feel anger and fear and still seek harmony, love, and respect. It’s hard and it’s messy and it’s worth it.